A Syphilitic Hobo & A Proctologist Walk Into A Bar

Think of the Universe as your very own Personal Assistant. But not just any Personal Assistant, the BEST, SMARTEST, MOST CLEVER, INVENTIVE, MAGICAL, SEXIEST W/ GREAT SMELLING BREATH, Personal Assistant in the world. WHATEVER you tell them to do, they do, no questions asked, accept, don't ask them to do windows. As I found out, that's the one thing they will NOT do. Whatever Personal Assistant, you think you're better than me? But I digress...

The thing about this magical P.A. is that they respond to what you think about. If you think about abundance (without resistance), they will give you more of that. If you think about lack, they will give you more of that. They don't judge what you think about, they just give you more of it. AND because this P.A. is so perfect, you don't need to know HOW he/she will give you what you want or make what you want happen, seriously, don't even try, just know, if you want it and have no resistance to getting it, then it shall be.

I'm working on feeling abundant. Last night I went out and decided that in my head (okay a warning; this is gonna sound crazy, like seriously, like, "holy crap, Julie has lost her mind" kind of crazy, like, being found wandering in a grocery store naked babbling about the end of the world, crazy.) But in my head I decided that I was a wealthy doctor, specifically a proctologist. I walked around thinking, "I'm abundant, because I check men's assholes for money, all day". And at first it was awesome. I looked in store windows and thought, I could buy that if I wanted to or I'm pay for my friends dinner, because I'm a wealthy Proctologist!

Butt (pun intended) then I started thinking, "wow, being a proctologist is a drag, nobody likes their Proctologist. No one ever say's, "Hey I'm gonna go see my Proctologist today,Yipee!! I love my Proctologist!" So I had to stop.

ANYWAY, my point is...my point is...what is my point? Oh, I know, be careful what you wish for? No, that's not it. My point is be grateful for what you have, well that's nice I guess, but that's not really my point. My point is, I don't really have one, but I do recommend, pretending.

Pretend in your head you already have what you want. Feel what it would be like. Hey it's Halloween, what better time to pretend? Just don't pretend you're an syphilitic hobo (that's MY costume this year).

You want better health? Pretend you are healthy. You want money? Pretend you have money. You want to be a Proctologist? Pretend you are, IN YOUR HEAD, not for reals because you could get in a shit-load (pun not intended) of trouble. Do all of this pretending in your skull.

If you want financial abundance, put on a nice outfit, walk around expensive stores, feel like you belong there. OR if you are in pain, go to the gym, feel healthy. Feeling anxious? Wrap an orange sheet around yourself then go to the airport and chant. do whatever you need to do to feel what it would be like to have what you want to have, s'all I'm sayin'.

I Can't Think Of A Clever Post Heading

I've been listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer lately. He's really terrific, I mean REALLY FUCKING great.  He suggested as an experiment, hold an image of anything, a feather, a kitten, a penny, whatever you want, in your imagination. Hold that image in your mind, surround it with love and light, if you do this several times, he says, the thing you were putting your attention to will begin showing up in your life.  I'm gonna try it. 

I'm gonna hold the image of a one hundred dollar bill in my head, yep, a crisp new one hundred dollar bill and I'll surround it with (insert several 'eye rolls' here) "light" and "love" whatever  and we'll friggen' see if this shit works, yes we will friggen' see. 

Okay I just did it and nuthin! THIS IS BULL SHIT! Where is my one hundred dollar bill, Dr. Wayne Dyer??? You know what? I think Dr. Wayne Dyer owes me $100! Don't you? But you know what is weird? I'm surrounded by kittens, feathers and pennies, what the??? (Insert 'winky face' emoticon here. I would type it in, you know, using the semi-colon and  right parenthesis , but I'm way to cool to do that)

Alright, be serious Perkins, actually I'm going to choose to focus on something frivolous, because if I focus on money then that feeling of lack creeps in (force of habit) and I know that doesn't work. So I'm gonna choose to focus on something whimsical, cause there is nothing that I like more than whimsy! (Say the word 'whimsy' using a pretentious English accent in a sentence and it's hysterical! Seriously, try it at parties and you can't lose)

I'm gonna focus on ribbons. I like ribbons, ribbons are fun and I even like to say the word ribbons. So I gotta go focus on some ribbons. I'll let you know when they start showing up.

Namaste bitches!

Vibrators

Are you a vibrator?  No I’m not talking about the kind your hide in your bedside table (although, those are GREAT). I’m talking about YOU, are YOU a vibrator? The answer is yes. Everyone is. EveryTHING is.

As you know from high school science, everything is vibrating, nothing is solid. It’s just our perception of these vibrations that determines how we experience anything. A rock? Not solid, it's just sub-atomic particles vibrating at a certain speed to give the illusion of being solid. Water? Moving particles as well, just vibrating/moving at a different speed than said rock, and we perceive water as liquid.

In the same way a rock or water is vibrating, so are our thoughts, more accurately our feelings. Our feelings ABOUT our thoughts or what we are thinking.  Positive thoughts which trigger positive feelings vibrate at a higher speed or ‘level’ than negative thoughts and feelings.

Think of  vibrations as a magnet, when two magnets are alike they are drawn to eachother. Same with Vibrations. LOA says, LIKE attracts LIKE. When you vibrate at a high level, that is to say, you have positive thoughts and feelings then more of those same thoughts and feelings (vibrations) are attracted to you. This works the same of course with negative thoughts and feelings.

I’m sure if you think about it you can pin point times in your life where it seems everything was going your way and then the times in your life when everything seemed to go wrong. It’s all vibrations baby!

So the trick is to feel good as often as possible. Sounds simple or maybe it doesn’t. When we are looking at “reality” and see something that is displeasing and therefore sending out a negative vibe or you just feel plain shitty, it’s not always easy to just change that thought or feeling instantly. It does take practice. There are methods suggested by Esther Hicks that I will get into at another time. Me? I’m getting better and better at being able to quickly if not instantly change my thoughts the more I do it. What are the ways you change your thoughts?

One way I deliberately change my thoughts is to take a nap, or listen to music, call a friend or watch kitten videos, curl my hair, go to Trader Joes (I friggen love Trader Joes). I also tell myself, everything is OKAY and I believe it.

Law Of Attractions says that everything is working out for you whether you know it or not. I now believe this. I didn’t always, but since I’ve started this whole Year Of Living Blah Blah Blah, I do.  And the best part of this BELIEVING is that I don’t need to KNOW HOW shit will work out, I just know that it will and that it will work out in a way that I could never have imagined.

Trust me on this. Don’t even try to figure out how this or that will work itself out. I promise you, you WON”T be able to do it as good as the universe. “But” you say, “But, there is no POSSIBLE way that this ‘thing’ going wrong will work out, no possible way! I mean, it’s done, the die has been cast, etc, etc”. I respectfully say to you, you are WRONG. If you hold positive thoughts, ‘it ‘( meaning your problem, or issue, or whatever) will work out in a way that you never imagined. Truly, I’ve said it before, it looks, tastes and feels like magic now with and now with more absorbency!

So are you a vibrator? Yes, are you a deliberate vibrator? Maybe. Once you become a deliberate vibrator and practice feeling good as often as possible, oh and, this is important, be EASY about it all. IF you are feeling like the back end of an alley cat with worms and can’t seem to change it, that’s totally cool, relax, don’t feel bad about feeling bad. BUT when you can coerce or just stumble into a good feeling, hopefully you can hold it long enough that more good feelings like it will come, then you will be in your “Vortex” (AKA Your Happy Place) THEN, all you’ve been wanting will come. It is my promise to you.